Disclaimer: Not to be mistaken for the popular cookery show. Not applicable to people who can cook or assume that they can cook.
If you are reading this then either you are in hell or on the receiving end of it. Since you know where you belong here are a few survival guidelines for the ones in it. It so happens that people belonging to an era that you’d never fathom existed will descend soon. Pleasing their taste buds and ensuring your mental peace is a task to be accomplished, but that cannot be done without the amino acids seeping out of your eyes. Now dispensing all the heavy talk, it is actually quite simple.
If you are reading this then either you are in hell or on the receiving end of it. Since you know where you belong here are a few survival guidelines for the ones in it. It so happens that people belonging to an era that you’d never fathom existed will descend soon. Pleasing their taste buds and ensuring your mental peace is a task to be accomplished, but that cannot be done without the amino acids seeping out of your eyes. Now dispensing all the heavy talk, it is actually quite simple.
1. Take any vegetable or leaf or dal, (even grass works though I have never tried, you can at your risk), sauté it till it is just dead. Put it in a grinder with more than generous and bordering on ulceration amount of dried red chili. Throw in quarter of amount of tamarind and salt and whir it till it becomes a red pulp. Caution: Please exercise caution while opening the grinder lid. The weak nosed and lung-ed may suffer mild asphyxiation. And for garnishing, add the regular tadka material and go for either of the hit combos: Kadipatha-Hing, Garlic-Coriander. Ensure that you have used atleast a quarter basin of oil for this purpose. After all, taste is all that matters. Voila! You have just successfully survived the south Indian hell’s kitchen.
2. Well everything here begins with 4 large anniyans.( No, not Vikram sweetie! It is how Onion is pronounced). So with four large ann oops onions, some ginger-garlic chili paste and any vegetable that can be pureed 90% of you job is done. Throw all this with vegetable/meat/dairy/pulses of your choice in a pressure cooker with half a ton of garam masala, a ton of oil and 6 whistles later…Lo! Your master piece is ready to be served with garnishing of ann oops onions and coriander. Simpler right? Voila! You have just successfully survived the north Indian hell’s kitchen.
3. Ah! Now how can we forget dessert? Custard powder in milk, boil,cool and pour over fruits. Very english and nice too. Easier still is to pour sweetened condensed milk, if you are richer. Nope, you want to go the traditional way, put milk about half kilo ghee, grated veggie or rice or semiyan in a pressure cooker and 6 whistles later… add sugar and more milk while hot and stir. Garnish with heart stopping amounts of ghee fried nuts and we have a winner.
Point being if you are fishing for compliments on your gourmet skills, this guideline is not for you. And if you want to be let off easy and nice then my dear girls this is your survival code. And for those of you who think this is gourmet, Amen!
Congratulations! you have successfully completed the Hell's Kitchen-Survival Guidelines online classroom training session. You may print this page for future reference.
2. Well everything here begins with 4 large anniyans.( No, not Vikram sweetie! It is how Onion is pronounced). So with four large
3. Ah! Now how can we forget dessert? Custard powder in milk, boil,cool and pour over fruits. Very english and nice too. Easier still is to pour sweetened condensed milk, if you are richer. Nope, you want to go the traditional way, put milk about half kilo ghee, grated veggie or rice or semiyan in a pressure cooker and 6 whistles later… add sugar and more milk while hot and stir. Garnish with heart stopping amounts of ghee fried nuts and we have a winner.
Point being if you are fishing for compliments on your gourmet skills, this guideline is not for you. And if you want to be let off easy and nice then my dear girls this is your survival code. And for those of you who think this is gourmet, Amen!
Congratulations! you have successfully completed the Hell's Kitchen-Survival Guidelines online classroom training session. You may print this page for future reference.
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